Over the past few weeks I've experienced my hands and feet going completely numb when exposed to cold temperatures, and today I found out my nose does the same thing. When on a walk, my nose went so numb that I couldn't even tell if it was still attached to my face. I had to go inside to defrost it.
I've been thinking about the unexplainable bond cancer patients have. They understand what it's like to hear the terrible words, "You have cancer." They know what it's like to have to ask "How bad is it?" and "What's my prognosis?" and "Is it curable?" They also know what it's like to deal with the fear and doubt that overwhelms us. To then wonder what we did wrong to deserve this. During this time our minds wonder and sometimes think the worst. It's interesting because people you'd never imagine being a close friend with instantly bond because of their shared cancer experience. Before you know it, you're checking on each other daily and praying for one another often. You keep up with doctors visits and anxiously await results with each other. You even find yourself being happy when they get good news and you don't. Through this disease you become life long friends.
"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!" Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Monday, January 11, 2010
Correction
My sister Becky read last night's blog entry and remembers her trip to heaven just a little differently. Becky remembers standing in front of grandma and a man. Grandma never spoke but just smiled at her. The man explained to Becky that it wasn't her time and told her to go back. She remembers turning around and walking back out of the light. She always felt like the man speaking was Jesus.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Don't Throw an Angel out a Window!
Wednesday I had chemo and it was pretty routine. Friday I got sick, Saturday I still wasn't feeling well and today I was just tired.
I've always believed in miracles, angels and the power of prayer and 20 years ago all three played a big part in my family's life. My niece, Lindsey who was in elementary school at the time got home from school to find an empty house. This was unusual, so when Lindsey got inside the house she received a call from the hospital telling her my sister was there. Confused, Lindsey called her daddy and my brother in law started investigating. Quickly there after my mom saw Becky's car on the news and realized she had been in a wreck. It turns out the car had flipped several times and she was in critical condition. When the family arrived at the hospital we were asked to identify her and we couldn't. She had several hairline fractures in her face which caused severe swelling, her eye dropped in the socket, she had brain swelling, and a broken arm. We were then told she wouldn't make it until morning, so we called a priest to come up to the hospital and pray for my sister. When the sun rose the next morning my sister was still alive. Now, the doctors were concerned that the swelling in her brain would kill her, so they drilled a hole in her head to relieve some of the pressure.
Becky was in ICU, so my family and I brought sleeping bags and moved to the hospital waiting room. On night 2 or 3 we received a call in the waiting room around 11p from a man. He asked to speak to someone in our family. He proceeded to tell my sister, Liz that he had a vision while driving about my sister and that the doctors needed to remove the blood clot behind her left ear. Liz told him that the doctors were watching her and hung up the phone. The call disturbed Liz and just made me mad because he was upsetting the family. The man called the next night and this time my mom answered the phone. My mom got upset and didn't know what to say. I then warned the family that if he calls again I wanted to be the one to talk to him. The next day they were preparing Becky for surgery. Her eye muscles needed repaired and she needed arm surgery. Before the surgery they were doing X rays of her eye to see the extent the damage. During this time the man showed up to the hospital with a bible. He asked to pray with the family and over Becky. I told the man to leave the hospital or I was going to throw him out the window, but my brother in law said if he just wants to pray why not let him. So, we allowed him to pray over Becky. After the man prayed he repeated the vision and left. The doctors then came in the room with the test results and said that Becky would need another surgery. When doing the eye X rays they found a blood clot behind her left ear. I was in shock and almost fell out of my chair. My family immediately looked at me and got on to me for almost throwing an angel out the window. We never saw the guy again.
My sister woke up from a coma 14 days later and she told the family she had been in heaven. She saw a bright light, a man and my grandmother. My grandmother explained to Becky that it wasn't her time and she must go back. Becky isn't sure who the man was, but we can only guess it was Jesus.
Becky had a long road ahead of her. She was in the hospital for about 6 months and had to relearn everything. She had to learn how to tie her shoes, how to talk, etc. She didn't have a vocabulary, any memories including a memory of her husband. Once released from the hospital she'd have to write notes to herself so she could remember what she was doing. For example, if she was cooking, she'd have to write a note that would remind her that food was on the stove.
It took about 5 years for her to get everything back and it is truly a miracle she's here today. Not only that, if you met her you would never know she was ever in an accident. She looks and acts completely normal. During this experience my family witnessed several miracles, visions of heaven and even a visit from an angel.
"Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds [a]—
his name is the LORD—
and rejoice before him." Psalms 68:4
"You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples." Psalms 77:14
I've always believed in miracles, angels and the power of prayer and 20 years ago all three played a big part in my family's life. My niece, Lindsey who was in elementary school at the time got home from school to find an empty house. This was unusual, so when Lindsey got inside the house she received a call from the hospital telling her my sister was there. Confused, Lindsey called her daddy and my brother in law started investigating. Quickly there after my mom saw Becky's car on the news and realized she had been in a wreck. It turns out the car had flipped several times and she was in critical condition. When the family arrived at the hospital we were asked to identify her and we couldn't. She had several hairline fractures in her face which caused severe swelling, her eye dropped in the socket, she had brain swelling, and a broken arm. We were then told she wouldn't make it until morning, so we called a priest to come up to the hospital and pray for my sister. When the sun rose the next morning my sister was still alive. Now, the doctors were concerned that the swelling in her brain would kill her, so they drilled a hole in her head to relieve some of the pressure.
Becky was in ICU, so my family and I brought sleeping bags and moved to the hospital waiting room. On night 2 or 3 we received a call in the waiting room around 11p from a man. He asked to speak to someone in our family. He proceeded to tell my sister, Liz that he had a vision while driving about my sister and that the doctors needed to remove the blood clot behind her left ear. Liz told him that the doctors were watching her and hung up the phone. The call disturbed Liz and just made me mad because he was upsetting the family. The man called the next night and this time my mom answered the phone. My mom got upset and didn't know what to say. I then warned the family that if he calls again I wanted to be the one to talk to him. The next day they were preparing Becky for surgery. Her eye muscles needed repaired and she needed arm surgery. Before the surgery they were doing X rays of her eye to see the extent the damage. During this time the man showed up to the hospital with a bible. He asked to pray with the family and over Becky. I told the man to leave the hospital or I was going to throw him out the window, but my brother in law said if he just wants to pray why not let him. So, we allowed him to pray over Becky. After the man prayed he repeated the vision and left. The doctors then came in the room with the test results and said that Becky would need another surgery. When doing the eye X rays they found a blood clot behind her left ear. I was in shock and almost fell out of my chair. My family immediately looked at me and got on to me for almost throwing an angel out the window. We never saw the guy again.
My sister woke up from a coma 14 days later and she told the family she had been in heaven. She saw a bright light, a man and my grandmother. My grandmother explained to Becky that it wasn't her time and she must go back. Becky isn't sure who the man was, but we can only guess it was Jesus.
Becky had a long road ahead of her. She was in the hospital for about 6 months and had to relearn everything. She had to learn how to tie her shoes, how to talk, etc. She didn't have a vocabulary, any memories including a memory of her husband. Once released from the hospital she'd have to write notes to herself so she could remember what she was doing. For example, if she was cooking, she'd have to write a note that would remind her that food was on the stove.
It took about 5 years for her to get everything back and it is truly a miracle she's here today. Not only that, if you met her you would never know she was ever in an accident. She looks and acts completely normal. During this experience my family witnessed several miracles, visions of heaven and even a visit from an angel.
"Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds [a]—
his name is the LORD—
and rejoice before him." Psalms 68:4
"You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples." Psalms 77:14
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
God Suprises Me Everyday!
I've been reading "The One Year Devotional Prayer Book" and have been surprised to see how the prayers have been completely appropriate for that day in time. It's as if they were written for me and what I'm going through. I'll share a couple with you so you know what I mean.
On Monday before leaving for MDA to get my test results I read this prayer:
"Lord, this morning I wait with eager anticipation to see what you have in store for this day. Help me find my hope in you and in your word. Teach me to wait for your perfect will to be done. Thank you for waking me this morning with another opportunity to live for you. Amen."
"Perhaps God has you in his waiting room. Be patient. Waiting on God is never wasted time. He hears you! As you wait, your hope is in his word.
It is often said that God answers our prayers in one of three ways: yes, no, and wait. The important thing is that God hears and answers everyone of our prayers for our good and for his glory."
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, yes, more than those than watch for the morning." Psalms 130:5-6
Then today before leaving for chemo therapy I read this prayer:
"Father, You are mighty to save and worthy of all praise. This morning, as I prepare for battle, help me to choose the right weapons; the helmet of salvation; the sword of the spirit, which is your word; the breastplate of righteousness; the shoes of the gospel of peace; and the shield of faith. Thank you that you go before me in this war and that I have prepared the way for victory. Amen."
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strong holds." 2nd Corinthians 10:4
Doing daily devotionals is something new to me and I'm really enjoying it. It's amazing how God speaks to you through so many different channels. This week's prayers could have been completely different but they weren't. They were perfect and prepared me for the tough day ahead. God is truly amazing!
On Monday before leaving for MDA to get my test results I read this prayer:
"Lord, this morning I wait with eager anticipation to see what you have in store for this day. Help me find my hope in you and in your word. Teach me to wait for your perfect will to be done. Thank you for waking me this morning with another opportunity to live for you. Amen."
"Perhaps God has you in his waiting room. Be patient. Waiting on God is never wasted time. He hears you! As you wait, your hope is in his word.
It is often said that God answers our prayers in one of three ways: yes, no, and wait. The important thing is that God hears and answers everyone of our prayers for our good and for his glory."
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, yes, more than those than watch for the morning." Psalms 130:5-6
Then today before leaving for chemo therapy I read this prayer:
"Father, You are mighty to save and worthy of all praise. This morning, as I prepare for battle, help me to choose the right weapons; the helmet of salvation; the sword of the spirit, which is your word; the breastplate of righteousness; the shoes of the gospel of peace; and the shield of faith. Thank you that you go before me in this war and that I have prepared the way for victory. Amen."
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strong holds." 2nd Corinthians 10:4
Doing daily devotionals is something new to me and I'm really enjoying it. It's amazing how God speaks to you through so many different channels. This week's prayers could have been completely different but they weren't. They were perfect and prepared me for the tough day ahead. God is truly amazing!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Praise God
Today was my big appointment with the oncologist and we received GREAT news. The lymph nodes and tumor have shrunk by about half. Some of the lymph nodes have shrunk even more than that. The doctor has decided to continue with the chemo treatments with the next one being this Wednesday. We'll do chemo 3 more times, have the scan again and reassess the situation. Also, we are discussing a day surgery where they will place a "power port" in my chest which will allow my PICC line to come out. This port will be placed in my chest under the skin. It will give me more mobility and does not have to be cleaned. With this procedure hopefully I can get back to work and resume my regular activities. God has definitely heard our prayers and answered them. I can't thank you enough for the continued prayer and ask you to please continue praying.
I want to say a special thank you to one of the kids in my family. Every night he and his family pray together and he has been saying special prayers for me. This morning he even went to church at 5:30a to say a rosary just for me. That is such a kind thing to do, especially for a teenage boy. He's also been praying specifically for my mustache which hasn't fallen out. Thanks Jacob for your consist prayer and for remembering me and my mustache.
I am also thankful to MDA for knowing the right medication to give me and for the overall great treatment I have received, but the real thanks goes to God. He is the one who ultimately makes the decision on whether or not I survive this disease and I can't praise him enough for improving my health. He is the one that gives the doctors wisdom and me the strength I need to get through the day. He continues to answer our prayers and I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
I'm still not cancer free, but know with our continued prayer God will heal me.
"Hallelujah! Praise God in his holy house of worship,
praise him under the open skies;
Praise him for his acts of power,
praise him for his magnificent greatness;
Praise with a blast on the trumpet,
praise by strumming soft strings;
Praise him with castanets and dance,
praise him with banjo and flute;
Praise him with cymbals and a big bass drum,
praise him with fiddles and mandolin.
Let every living, breathing creature praise God!
Hallelujah!" Psalms 150:1-6
I want to say a special thank you to one of the kids in my family. Every night he and his family pray together and he has been saying special prayers for me. This morning he even went to church at 5:30a to say a rosary just for me. That is such a kind thing to do, especially for a teenage boy. He's also been praying specifically for my mustache which hasn't fallen out. Thanks Jacob for your consist prayer and for remembering me and my mustache.
I am also thankful to MDA for knowing the right medication to give me and for the overall great treatment I have received, but the real thanks goes to God. He is the one who ultimately makes the decision on whether or not I survive this disease and I can't praise him enough for improving my health. He is the one that gives the doctors wisdom and me the strength I need to get through the day. He continues to answer our prayers and I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
I'm still not cancer free, but know with our continued prayer God will heal me.
"Hallelujah! Praise God in his holy house of worship,
praise him under the open skies;
Praise him for his acts of power,
praise him for his magnificent greatness;
Praise with a blast on the trumpet,
praise by strumming soft strings;
Praise him with castanets and dance,
praise him with banjo and flute;
Praise him with cymbals and a big bass drum,
praise him with fiddles and mandolin.
Let every living, breathing creature praise God!
Hallelujah!" Psalms 150:1-6
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tomorrow Is the BIG Day!!!
I meet with the oncologist tomorrow at 3:30p to review the results of my catscan, X-ray and bloodwork. These test will determine how my body has responded to the chemo. They will check the size of the tumor and also the size of my lymph nodes. This test will also show if the cancer has spread anywhere else. The ultimate goal is to get rid of the tumor because the tumor is feeding the lymph nodes which can ultimately spread to major organs. This is probably the most important doctors appointment I've ever had. Wish me luck and pray hard!!!!
Mind over Body
Lately I've been training my mind to overcome my body. I'm not allowing the way my body feels to dictate my actions. For example, in the mornings if I'm tired I force myself to get up and go walking. I walk every morning and night even if I don't feel up to it. Now this doesn't mean that after my walk I'm not tired. In fact, some days I come home and take a nap. My goal is to get my body and mind to work together to overcome the cancer and help the chemo take affect. Another example of mind over body is when I'm eating. During many meals I take a break to vomit but force myself to sit back at the table and finish my plate. I won't let the nausea win. Now it's mind and body versus cancer and chemicals and I plan on winning. A lot of people just say I'm hard headed!
What I do know is God can heal. I have no doubt that he is answering my prayers and I can feel him strengthening me each and every day. He can can heal even the sickest person, but I have to do my part too. God gave me a body and a mind and I plan to use them. I will use my God given abilities and do everything in my power to overcome this disease. How can God help us if we aren't helping ourselves?
"Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
What I do know is God can heal. I have no doubt that he is answering my prayers and I can feel him strengthening me each and every day. He can can heal even the sickest person, but I have to do my part too. God gave me a body and a mind and I plan to use them. I will use my God given abilities and do everything in my power to overcome this disease. How can God help us if we aren't helping ourselves?
"Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
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